Recaps and Variouses

Ok, so I've been off the blogowagon for a couple weeks. Why? Because I'm extraordinarily absent-minded.

Accordingly, here's a little brain-vomit:

I'm going to go ahead and echo Andrew on this one -- screw you, Ohio, for keeping that crazy lady's campaign alive. Had Hillary been swept out of the midwest once and for all, Obama could do what any incumbent-hopeful would do -- focus on a campaign going forward for the general election. Not today, Barackadoo, not today. Instead, both senators get to waste a shitload of time and money campaigning against each other for 2 months while John "Dramatic Hamster" McCain sits tight with his terrible opinions and stupid face.

Interjection -- McCain has in the past week garnered endorsements from two of Texas's great cult leaders: John "Crayzee" Hagee and George "Retard" Bush. Now Bush is an easy target and an obvious endorser. Yes, he might be the figurehead for the fall of Constitutional democracy, yes, he might be the herald of a global moral apocalypse, and yes, he might look and act like a confused child...but he has a political obligation to endorse whatever else comes out of the GOP's infected womb, so there it is. John Hagee, on the other hand, is a real piece of shit. Discussions of his piece-of-shit-atude can easily start and end with his profession -- evangelist, crackpot -- but what fun is it if we don't ping Reuters for some quotes? Apparently Hagee "envisions a blood-soaked clash between East and West leading to the return of Jesus Christ." And you know what, with McCain's stubby little finger on the button, it's not bloody unlikely. Except for the second coming of Christ part. That's just silly.

Let's not forget, boys and girls, what happened last time we let Texas cult leaders get too far ahead of themselves.

Ok, so coming back to the top: thanks, Ohio, asshole, for giving Hilldog and The Obaminator (®) two months to dig away at each other and give Stumpy McShitfucker all the quotational fodder he'll need to bury the DNC in mud come November.

Remember 4 years ago when one self-contradicting John Kerry quote got taken out of context and spun into a national ad campaign that sunk him? Flip flops? Bush riding a campaign of "I may be completely unqualified to run the country, but at least you know where I stand"?

We are a nation of short attention spans, fleeting patience, and extremely shallow judgement. God help us if one of the democratic hopefuls drops a soundbite worthy of muckraking -- if either does, the general election will be over before it starts. People in this country are like screaming toddlers -- all they need is one phrase to repeat, one hitch they can grab and run with so they can express themselves loudly and without thought. Republicans understand this, and that is why they keep winning elections. The American populace is really goddamn stupid, so get on their level.

All I can ask, is please, please -- Hill-o-vision, Obaminator (®), please don't say anything stupid in the next 7 weeks, because you will be slaughtered for it, and we will all suffer.

Romney Update

For some reason, the most interesting part of this year's elections for me is consistent development of a long-forgone conclusion:

Mitt Romney is a complete and total ass.

CNN ran earlier this morning a little bit of a speech he gave contrasting himself favorably with John McCain. It amounted to a 15-second-ish laundry list of disparate votes they each took, each entry of which was like a virtual tick on the checklist of Why Mitt Romney is an Offensively Backwards Chump-ass Fool.

The top 5 that Romney was really proud of, complete with snippy remarks:

1) McCain opposed drilling for oil. (Romney did not!)
* Yes, screw McCain and screw finite resources, too! Drill the shit out of those fossil fuels before they (gasp!) run out forever. Clearly more effective than researching alternatives.

2) McCain opposed tax cuts for the wealthy. (Romeny supported them!)
* Come on, this is America. If the rich, white guy who's never once looked prejudice in the face can't get richer, then who can?!

3) McCain opposed the amendment that would define marriage as a union between a man and a woman. (Can it, Mormon.)
* Welcome to 21st century America, where in addition to socially persecuting you for being gay, we'll make extra-special certain that you get to feel the cold, hard dick of legal injustice, too!

Really, marriage is a joke. It's just as easy to get out of as it is to get into, and its main purpose in current society is a fat tax break. Amending the Constitution to ban homarriage (you heard it here first) is nothing more than bigotry. It's an absolute abuse of the Constitution's dynamics, and just the kind of bullshit moral parading that people in high office should be shamed for doing.

Moving on.

4) McCain supported embryonic stem cell research.
* This one is a little touchier, so I'll be gentle about it. Fuck Romney, fuck Bush, fuck this entire debate. If you can eat eggs, you can harvest precious cells from the unborn, and if you can mass-murder civilians on a political Jihad, then playing god is already fair game. Oh look, no issue anymore!

5) McCain supported amnesty for illegal aliens.
* Ok, so there are fair points to be made from both sides of this one, and I offer the following in bullet-form so as to avoid the stylistic choice of overly verbose diction that has at times in the past become not uncommon for me to use while writing. In no particular order:

- Immigration has vastly different effects from state to state.
- If you can get someone to trim your petunias for $3/hour, go nuts. Same goes for vineyards and vinyl siding.
- Land of promise, my ass.
- Only in this country can denying amnesty for anyone regarding anything be politically beneficial.
- Ok, that's probably a lie, but I still find it pretty abhorrent.

My advice: grant federal amnesty, then let the states decide what to do for themselves. That is why we have a multi-tiered form of government, no?

Oh, that reminds me, John Edwards doin' it wrong, and here's how --